Inhabit the Zone

Or: the case for asking better questions

Every conversation starts like this:

There are some things you could ask about that will always energize me. Like habits, doulas, and whatever book I’m reading that is currently my entire personality.

Similarly, other people get excited about things that do nothing for me. That includes: football, Greek mythology, and whether bitcoin is at an all-time high.

The goal in every conversation is to find the overlap or the “zone” as quickly as possible:

Otherwise you risk ending up in a conversation like this:

Embarrassed to admit I’ve been on both sides of this conversation

One of life’s greatest joys is finding the people you can jump into the zone with immediately. That’s because the zone is either much bigger, or you know how to get there much faster.

For example, my best friend and I have roughly zero ramp-up time. We can jump into a conversation we’ll find energizing fairly quickly. We know the roadblocks. And we usually avoid them.

Our voyage to the zone is often a straight line, like this:

But if my energy is low—because I’m tired, distracted, or self-conscious—I lack the presence of mind to move out of my circle and make the journey to the “zone.”

I stay in my inner world. I fail to ask the right questions. I listen halfheartedly. And I miss the overlap between my curiosity and the other person’s humanity.

That’s true with strangers—but it can even be true with my partner, best friend, colleagues, or family members.

How most conversations go when I’m tired

When you compound that loss over time, the magnitude can be painful to imagine:

• How many strangers could have been friends if we were present enough to listen?

• How many first dates could have been soulmates if we’d asked better questions?

• How much time with people we love could have been quality time?

One of my favorite books on this topic is Will Wise’s “Ask Powerful Questions.” I like to think of his book as a treasure map to the zone, complete with Waze.

Here are a few habits to consider building, drawn from Wise’s book:

‘How’ and ‘what’ questions. Close-ended questions (like ‘yes or no’ questions or those beginning with ‘who’ and ‘where’) can be roadblocks: they risk stopping the trip and sending you back to start. But open-ended questions are like an E-ZPass.

• For example, rather than feigning interest in football (‘who’s playing tonight?’) you could ask a question that aligns with your natural curiosity: ‘how did you get interested in football?’ I may not be interested in a sport, but I am interested in the story of how someone found their passion.

Wearing, carrying, sharing. Notice the overlap between your genuine curiosity and a personal choice someone is making right now to wear, carry or share something with you. What thread can you pick up on that might have a story behind it?

• For example, instead of asking ‘what did you do this weekend?’ consider paying attention to something in front of you. What tattoo does someone have that provides a window into their worldview?

Avoid energy-draining potholes by asking the thing you’re genuinely curious about

Stop, Affirm, Redirect: If you’ve reached a dead-end and your energy is draining, pause and redirect the conversation. Silence can feel awkward but taking a beat to pivot gets you both on a better track. You can affirm something they said if that feels authentic and move the conversation elsewhere (see the first two tips).

• For example: ‘thanks for sharing that with me. Also, I’m just now noticing that you’re wearing barefoot shoes. What inspired you to start wearing them?’

Lastly, be grateful for the people in your life that make reaching the zone effortless. While a trip with everybody else is uncertain (and full of energy-draining potholes), it’s the zone buddies that make it all worth it.

Yours in habit,

Julie

PS: If you try any of these habits please let me know! I’d love to hear from you. And share this post with your zone buddy: that one-in-a-zillion person who makes it all look easy.